I've observed time and time again that many men and women - regardless of whether or not they are good looking - while they get a lot of first dates and even start a relationship seem to have a difficult time sustaining one beyond the beginning stages.

What first attracts a man or woman is often quite different from what compels him or her to stick around. In the early stages of attraction we often feel very close to a person whom we hardly know. Undoubtedly, in time we learn a lot about that person, and what we know moves the attraction forward, slows it down or ends it.

The transition from initial attraction to attraction that becomes a real relationship is what we’ve come to know in the dating circles as “emotional connection". And we all know that however strong the physical, mental or sexual attraction, when the “emotional" component is missing (the words are “something is missing") trying to make things work is a constant struggle.

Emotional connection isn't merely a warm and squishy feeling but a behavioural and operational definition which includes three major categories:

1. Expression of “real-time" emotions (and emotional processes) verbally and/or non-verbally (including touching, facial expression and body movement).

2. Expression of emotional needs, thoughts, feelings, attitudes, fantasies, strivings, difficulties, dreams, hopes or any information about the past that is relevant to understanding how one deals with the present.

3. Expression of conscious and sub-conscious intentions (depth and honesty).

This goes far beyond the common practice in the West of “sharing feelings" with the aim of “savouring" or “releasing" the emotions. When you are trying to connect with another person, “emotions" are useless if they are just words spoken by one person to another and not something felt together – for together. In indigenous African cultures such as the one I was raised in, this level of “sharing of self" is a real-time emotion/feeling that can be called “I-am-here." This is the emotion that people cause us to feel merely by their presence. Apparently there is no specific word in English to describe the continuous flow of feelings one receives from the person who brings those emotions by their presence. I’ve sometimes wondered if this one of the reasons why so many of us report feeling “lonely in a crowd" or "alone" even when with another person. Could it be that we have not learned to feel and make others feel “I-am-here"?

The key to making the other person feel that "emotional connection" is not in how long you talk to each other or even what you know about each other but in the SHARING of your inner person and EXPERIENCING the other's inner person.

This level of self-disclose can be difficult initially because there is always a threat that the other person may not like what is revealed and then reject us. For minimal risk, each person selectively presents information about themselves that is packaged to create a certain desired impression. But as two people get more comfortable with each other, they let the other in on things that reveal more of the inner person that the other didn’t know before.

 

It is usually at this stage in the attraction that the emotional connection or bonding begins to take place. In a relationship where two people increasingly feel emotionally “safe" with each other, self-disclosure occurs as part of ongoing conversation. Usually one person takes the risk of disclosing personal information and then "tests" whether the other reciprocates. If the other is willing, ready and capable of emotional self-disclosure, he or she self-discloses at the same level. The give and take of conversation provides important information about the emotions and feelings happening inside each person as well as the emotions and feelings that each person has about the relationship.

In relationships where one or both parties do not feel emotionally “safe", one person may self-disclose more than the other person and this is usually the person who is more eager to move the relationship forward. But because the other person is not forthcoming, or reciprocating at the same level of self-disclosure, the person who is showing more of their inner person begins to feel vulnerable or emotionally “naked". Usually the person feels like he or she has emptied him or herself with nothing to fill the vacuum created and this can make him or her insecure, anxious and even angry.

The important and crucial skill at this stage of dating; a skill every man and woman hoping to create a fulfilling relationship must have is the ability to “help" the other person self-disclose at a relatively same level and long enough to form a deeper emotional bond that will compel him or her to stick around.

As you may have noted from personal experience, most people are not equally transparent on all topics since their emotional comfort (and self-knowledge) is not the same on different topics. They may speak quite frankly on some subjects—those that seem safest—but speak cautiously or deceitfully on other subjects. A good number of men and women avoid self-revelation because they fear closer contact with themselves, and some people would rather hide and deny than face the truth about themselves.

 

Everyone – except the emotional train wrecks who self-disclose too much, too soon - begins with disclosing little information at a time, all the while checking the receiver's reactions and feedback. As a receiver intent on creating a strong emotional bond with the man or woman you are dating, your reactions should be supportive, helpful and non-threatening.

Some characteristics of this supportive, helpful and non-threatening reactions and feedback include focusing on:

1. The other person (who they really are and what they are trying to tell us about who they really are) rather than focusing on finding out "what we have in common".

2. What is being said and how it’s said rather than judging why it is said or how it should have been said better.

3. "Here and now" rather than what you can and will do with the information.

4. Making an effort to really understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, fantasies, strivings, difficulties, dreams, hopes or past in their own internal scale and image rather thinking we understand or quickly jumping in to share our own.

5. Showing sensitivity and appreciation for the effort he or she is making to reveal his or her inner being rather than on giving advice or “therapy".

6. Showing respect for his or her desire to hold back on some topics until he or she feels emotionally safe to self-disclose.

How well each party feels truly heard, truly understood, truly appreciated, truly supported and above all, truly "known" greatly influences the quality of the relationship. This is what makes or breaks a relationship! Finding this level of "connection" is very rare and most people don't want to let go once they find a person they can emotionally "connect" with.