Body Language experts claim that we can create rapport and increase our influence through an understanding of non-verbal communication. Sounds good - and it sells books. But is it true? And why is it that so many of us still find it very hard to read men/women's body language?

Here is what modern communications science has to say about body language:

1. Not everything a man or woman does with his/her body is a message or signal...

Some everyday gestures used by both males and females may resemble those of flirting or seduction language though the person displaying these expressions and gestures may not necessarily be engaging in flirting or seduction behaviour. Body language such as smiling, gaze-holding, lip-licking, tucking hair behind the ears, head-cocking, rapid eye blinks, self-touching, and much more, may be ingrained personal habits more than flirting or seduction "come-ons".

2. The indefinite relationship between emotion and expression makes it difficult to know what emotion is being expressed...

Even smiling, which we all recognize, can often cover a gamut of emotions. We may look at a person and think "Oh, he or she is smiling. He or she must be happy," and may or may not be accurately identifying the emotion behind the smile, which could be anything from happiness, polite greeting, anger, anxiety, disbelief, confusion, apology, sarcasm or contempt.

3. There is always a good chance that some of the emotions we read from a person's body language are a fabrication based on our own understanding of reality, our experiences, our perceptions, and opinions which may have nothing to do with the other person...

When we notice that our date's facial expressions or gestures don't fit our own understanding of the emotion we associate with such expressions or gestures, we form a negative judgment about the person when in fact the emotion we have attributed to the facial expression or gesture may not have been what the sender intended. Or you may display what you believe to be "positive" body language but if the other person is, for example, in an aggressive or angry state, your gesture may be interpreted as provocation or harassment.

4. Contrary to what most of us believe, body language can be manipulated and controlled, both consciously and subconsciously...

For example a person who knows that people believe those who are lying can't look you in the eye, can very easily master the "honest trait" of looking directly into someone's eyes and can fool anyone who is focused on just this one belief. A person who knows that a hug indicates friendship can consciously hug his or her worst enemy - with a smile.

5. The way we use and interpret body language literally depends on where we come from...

 

Research indicates that we tend to be more sensitive and more able to detect changes in the body language of people similar to our own social, cultural, educational, and professional backgrounds, as well as body size, age, gender, etc.

So, what am I trying to say? To be savvy about men/women interest signals don't read too much into body language signals. Smilers, nodders and fakers can play you on all the way to rejection, so don't assume too much when someone offers certain non-verbal signals. And don't waste much time trying to analyze their body language which is, as described above, often not predictive. When using words, we ask for clarification, but in body language we cannot ask someone to repeat him or herself when we don't understand their body language. Also, if we catch ourselves using the "wrong" body language, we can't say "Just a minute," and try again.

That said, body language says a lot more than words can ever say. Instead of using a blanket (too general) way of reading body language try to pay more attention to a man or woman as an individual expressing his or her own vibration -- his or her own native sexual language -- and speak to him or her in his or her native body language. This communicates acceptance and openness which in turn puts him or her into a more at ease state, creating a positive, enjoyable experience for both of you. When that kind of "connection" happens, they think and feel the two of you are emotionally related.

Chapter 9 of my book shows you 5 ways of using body language to increase the probability of making a strong emotional connection or enhancing a less strongly felt one.