Most people who are divorced or were in a long term relationship will understand what I am talking about.
Immediately after the break up, things look dreary and life is sort of a drug. Although it was your decision (or not) to end things, you are angry about the end of the relationship, angry for two reasons. First you are angry for wasting a big chunk of your life on what you later realized was a lie. Second you are angry that now you have to start all over again, even though you knew your relationship wasn?t going anywhere far, at least it was a relationship of sorts.
But as time goes on, you begin to feel that there is actually a life after a break up. Deep inside you know it?s going to be hard to trust another human being but you decide that you are going to move past the hurt, anger, betrayal and disillusionment - all that wasted time. You tell yourself, all that is in the past. You want to make friends with new faces. You want to find love in the unusual places. You want romance. You want a deep connection where you finish of each other?s sentences. And you want sex, lots of incredible sex. You want the real thing!
You tell your friends, relatives and co-workers and anyone who cares to listen that you are dating again. That you've learned from your mistakes and this time it?s going to be different, better. You are excited optimistic and very hopeful.
First you try the traditional approaches or real life dating. But it seems the men and women say one thing and yet do something completely different. They say personality/character is far more important than looks, money and status but reject you because you don?t look like their ?type?, don?t have enough money or aren?t a TV personality. You find that many singles are actually superficial and spiteful, indecisive and fickle, hyper-aggressive and impatient. Everyone is trying to screw everyone else. You just can't do that. It's not in your character.
So you try online chat rooms but too many men and women "window shopping" online and unwilling to consider any but the prettiest faces and ?sexiest? bods. Sometimes you find yourself forced to lie or face an empty mailbox every day. And even if you manage to chat long enough to meet in person, they?ll again reject you on the same grounds as in traditional dating (looks over personality and character).
You try speed dating, group activities and other match-making services, but the degree of communication and connection is relatively shallow. The men and women have no particular interest in either depth or longevity of contacts with others. And the so-called books on dating and relationships are equally shallow. They don?t ?connect? with what you want and desire ? real exciting, passionate fulfilling love.
Date after date, your enthusiasm begins to wane and dread builds. You feel you are not as enthusiastic as you were in the first few weeks or months. You keep giving yourself one more chance but date after date excitement turns into desperation, optimistic into negativity and hopefulness into hopelessness.
Instead of telling your friends, relatives and co-workers and anyone who cares to listen how excited optimistic and very hopeful you are, you find yourself rehearsing what you or your ex did to end a perfectly good the relationship or constantly complaining about the dating scene and the superficial, shallow and stupid people in it.
But getting angry, complaining and blaming isn?t going to get you the love you seek. Truth is, the longer you talk about it, think about it, complain about it and stress yourself over it, the more frustrated and even depressed you become. Minutes will drag on to days, days to months and months to years and you get used to being broken, frustrated and hopeless. You begin to more and more dread the whole dating and relationships thing. Your frustration with yourself and with others programs itself into your mind and body so deeply that you don't even realize the effects that it?s having on you and how you date.
For example, you go to a bar or a singles dance hoping and really wanting an attractive man or woman there to ask you for a dance. You are crushed when no one asks you to dance all evening and your whole outlook about love, the opposite sex, relationships, life and even about your desirability is affected, not by what happened at the dance, but by your own frustration with everything else.
At some point you find yourself saying, ?I don't really need someone in my life. I can be happy by myself".
Finding someone you can connect with human-to-human, soul-to-soul, man-to-woman is the most important job you will ever have. Sharing the richness of your life with that someone is the most important thing you?ll ever do in your entire life.
1. The first thing you need to do is completely GET OVER YOUR PAST. You cannot simultaneously hold on to the past and move forward. The harder you cling to the past, the harder it is to date and create a new loving and fulfilling relationship. So if you have decided to move on -- move on.
2. The second thing you need to do is CHANGE HOW YOU DATE AND RELATE. Yes, there may be people who'll not be attracted to you because of your age, weight, height, income or just because you are you. Sure, there are some men and women who are only interested in these things. But MOST are far more interested in your sense of yourself and how you project what you feel inside than any of those other things.
Ask yourself: What are you doing to increase your chances of dating someone interested in a deep connection? Have you done enough to prepared yourself to be the kind of partner that person will want (more loving, more expressive, more attentive, more committed, more caring, more empathetic, more passionate in and out of the bedroom. etc)? Do you know how that kind of person would want to be approached? What kind of things would he/she find attractive in a woman/man? What things make him/her feel loved and cared for? What do you have within yourself to make him/her feel loved and cared for? Where would you meet this kind of person? What would he/she be doing...say on a week night or weekend?
Honesty and humanness is the hardest thing to find and maintain in a world as superficial as ours, but you are NOT a "victim? of a superficial culture because you have the POWER to change what happens in your life. Thousands of singles "give up" and just totally withdraw from the active dating world, literally hide in a cave and the rest of their life just lick their emotional wounds. What a needless waste of a life time.
You can continue to beat your brains out, (which is what you have been doing) OR you can decide to find that tiny seed buried deep inside the fiber of your being that shouts forth that you will not be broken, you will not succumb.