What Do You Do When Your Ex is Sending
Mixed Signals?

By Yangki Christine Akiteng, Love Doctor 


Trying to get your ex back is a difficult process -- no question about it. One of the most difficult things is dealing with the inconsistent and sometimes contracting information or signals from your ex.

For example: After the break-up your ex says that the two of you can be "just friends" but then adds that you should not expect anything more because they don't want to give you false hope or give meaning to what is not there. You don't know exactly where he or she is coming from or going with this, so you give the answer that you think they want to hear. What else can you say or do if your ex says it's the only option left?

A couple of weeks go by, you're once again starting to enjoy each other's company, feel comfortable with each other again, and things seem to be going really well. Then one day out of nowhere, your ex says that he or she realizes that the two of you can't be "just friends" because you have such strong sexual chemistry that the chances of you finding yourselves in bed together (you know, doing it) are really high. And she or he doesn't want that. So your ex suggests that you don't talk to each other or see each other at all. According to him or her, this is the "only way" you can keep yourselves from jumping each other's bones. Apparently -- your ex says -- time apart will help both of you work out what you really want.

You don't agree with your ex's suggestion, but you convince yourself that it makes sense -- and that this may be the only way the two of you will get back together. So, again being you, you agree to that too. Seriously, what else can you say or do if your ex says it's the only option left?

A few days or weeks after that conversation your ex breaks the "no contact" rule and emails or calls to "see how you are doing". S/he says s/he feels guilty for putting your through all the pain, and even says s/he misses you and that life is miserable without you. Then just as you are beginning to get all warm and cushy inside, your ex delivers the damper, "But I feel that moving on is the best thing for both of us". You're back to where you started -- broken hearted!

Weeks go by and somehow, with God's help, you manage to pull yourself together and start to slowly live again. But just as you are beginning to come to terms with the fact that your ex doesn't want you back, your ex contacts you saying that they've been "thinking" and realized that what they really want is to give the relationship another chance. Then he or she adds "But I am just not sure when I will be ready or even if I will ever be ready again".

Now, if you were uncertain before your ex first said "let's just be friends", at this point you are not just uncertain but completely confused and frustrated - with anger waiting in the wings. Why can't s/he just make up her/his effin mind!?

Part of you wants to believe that your ex is operating from a place of relative good will but another part of you is screaming that you're a fool if you buy into that "crap". And sometimes that part of you tells you to get away -- as fast as possible.

Relax! This may actually be a good thing.

For one, it means that nothing is set in stone, and that things are subject to change. In other words, the door is still open and there is still chance for you to turn things around. But more importantly, it means that you have opportunities for discussion, to offer new ideas, initiate new behaviors and practices; and introduce the much needed "breath of fresh air" to the relationship.