Will Your Ex  Contact You And Come Back
If You Use "No Contact"?

By Yangki Christine Akiteng, Love Doctor 


I have read a lot of articles and even books where people recommend going "No Contact" so that your ex misses you and wants you back. But does going NC really bring your ex back?

Sometimes "absence makes the heart grow fonder" but sometimes "out of sight, out of mind" applies too.

Sure, occasionally, there's a chance that "no contact" may make the other person second-guess their decision to end the relationship because they miss talking to you or doing "stuff" with you. And if you want to teach them a lesson and possibly turn the tables a little bit then "no contact" will piss him or her off enough to contact you and (seemingly) want you back in an attempt to turn back the tables (power-plays), or may be it'll make him or her feel insecure and threatened (essentially manipulating them into it) because like everyone else, being rejected is not a pleasant experience.

But is this the right way to get your ex back?

Personally, I don't think so -- for three strong reasons.

1. If the reason your ex broke up with you in the first place is because you were controlling, clingy, needy, smothering him or her and jealous or overly dependant, you can only pull off a "no contact" strategy until your ex makes just one call or sends you just a single email (seemingly desiring contact) and you are back into an emotional tailspin (crying, begging, pleading, persuading, coarsing, threatening etc) leading to another depressive breakdown.

You're better off working on why you are attention seeking, plainly immature, insecure, needy and overly dependant in the first place. The other option is to move on with your life. "No contact" is a really good way of getting over someone.

2. If the reason your ex broke up with you in the first place had to do with your infidelity, lies or secrets, you were not attentive to his or her needs, there was lack of communication etc., running away to the caves in the pretext of a "no contact" rule is cowardly at best and immature at worst. It just reinforces in his or her mind the reason you are broken up in the first place. Why should he or she make the move to get back someone who cheats, lies, is not attentive to his or her needs, can't communicate, and won't even face up to his or her mistakes and clean up the mess they made?

3. It's not worth the trouble to try and win back someone who only is interested in you because they miss the conversations and good times (and the sex); because they feel insecure and threatened, or because they are lonely and bored, or because of some twisted sense of (illusionary) power. That's a red flag right there.

I realize that power-plays, manipulating and preying on the insecure happens so frequently to the extent that it's almost accepted (and encouraged) in today's dating culture, but I also know that those kinds of comebacks don't stand the test of time.

I know of many men and women who've used ignoring their ex, "acting" really happy, and looking really "hot" to get their ex back. After a few weeks or months the ex will call (because they had a bad day or something) saying their life was miserable and they wanted to give the relationship another try. The manipulation worked, but a few days, weeks or later their ex turns around and says they don't think the relationship is what they really want.

Some others after being ignored for a while come back and start flirting like crazy only to shut down and not return phone calls or reply to emails.

So yes, although you may get your ex back, it's only a matter of time before they are gone again. It is a temporary phase. Ask around, almost anyone who got their ex back with "no contact" or "acting aloof" will tell you that they broke up again.


My point here is: the decision to create physical and emotional distance should be based on whether the benefits of temporally cutting off all contact (from a functional standpoint) outweigh the cost of staying connected. If staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle it may be to your best interest to remove yourself from someone who is causing you the greatest hurt of your life and the situation that is making you unable to function as well as you should.

This is a decision you make for your own mental and emotional health (I discuss how to implement this without alienating your ex in my e-Book). When you feel independent, confident and desirable again, your ex will be more receptive to you not because you cut off all contact but because you stopped expecting your ex to give you something he or she couldn't give. Instead you took the time to heal, grow and become a whole wonderful caring loving attractive stable secure-in-yourself partner.

If you have a choice in the matter, my advice is stay connected especially if you are already on friendly terms. It makes no sense to jeopardize an existing friendly relationship with your ex for some very risky-slim-chance "no contact" strategy. You'll need that open channel of communication as the entry point for attracting back your ex.

The ideal scenario would be to be 100% sure that your ex came to you because he or she loves you and misses you--the good, the bad and the ugly.