So You Think You're A Lover - But Why Act
Like A Loser?

By Yangki Christine Akiteng, Love Doctor

 

   

 

Take this incident for example. The phone rings and I say "Hi". And this person says "Hi Christine. I really want to learn some great techniques on how to flirt, act confident, and attractive. I‘ve tried everything, and here I am, still alone. I am ready to settle down and want someone who is also ready to commit to a lasting relationship".

"I do not teach flirting, acting confident, and attractive techniques." I reply.

"Your website says you're a love doctor.""

"That's true. But I do not teach flirting, acting confident, and attractive techniques. I teach men and women how to be great lovers."

"But that's what I said. I want to be a great lover. I know that if I can learn the right flirting, acting confident, and attractive techniques, I'll attract someone who is also ready to commit to a lasting relationship."

"I am sorry. I don't teach techniques. I don't think I even know how to."

"Then what do you know?"

"I know how to help men and women recognize love within themselves, develop it, and then show them how to give it away".

"Oh!" The phone clicks. The person hang up.

Bye-bye next month's rent money.

Experience has taught me that I can't force anybody to learn anything. Just like Carl Rogers said, "The only thing that I know is that anyone who wants to learn will learn. Any may be a teacher is a facilitator, a person who puts things down and shows people how exciting and wonderful it is and asks them to eat".

You see, you can be the most educated, the most brilliant, the most beautiful, the hottest, the richest, the nicest, the most charismatic, the most flirtatious, the most seductive, the greatest sex machine ever born, the most exciting, the most creative and the most anything, BUT if you are afraid, unwilling and unable to look inside, recognize the love that is already there, take that love and give it away, you're just that; educated, brilliant, beautiful, hot, rich, nice, charismatic, flirtatious, seductive, energizer bunny, exciting, creative etc. You're most anything, but NOT a lover.

You can even say the "right" loving" words, know the "right" techniques, tactics, and tricks, and do all the "right" kinds of selfless "acts of love", but if you are honest with yourself, you'll admit that you feel alone and lonely, unworthy and unloved. You're repeatedly rejected, repeatedly lied to and cheated on, avoided constantly, told what a great person you are and even liked (a lot) but not loved.

Why? Because you are anything but a lover and doing everything "right" except doing what great lovers do.

What exactly do great lovers do?

Great lovers give themselves permission to love and be loved. Let me rephrase it this way: To get love, you have to first of all recognize the love already within, develop it, and then give it all away-- willingly and freely.

I know, I know sounds ridiculous. And I can fully understand why. This runs counter to conventional wisdom and is not the kind of advice you expect from an "expert". So let me explain how conventional wisdom runs counter to what makes men and women great lovers and how some of the "expert" advice out could be what is standing between you and love.

Conventional wisdom says, love comes from another person...

You've tried to get someone to love you - demanded to be loved, begged to be loved, slaved and suffered for love, and even used manipulation, seduction or bribery to get some love -- and yet it seems like you never get it, get it but it's never enough or get it and it's suddenly taken away again.

Great lovers understand that the only thing that attracts love is love itself. To attract love you have to BE the loving person you want to attract into your life. You have to BE the love you want -- and give that love to yourself before you can expect to get it from someone else. It's asking too much of others to love you when you can't even love yourself.

Conventional wisdom says, love requires a reward for loving...

You've sacrificed so much, "given" so much, and done so much to make someone else happy but it seems the more you "give" and the harder you try, the more you push away the very same person you're trying to make love you. Your words, actions and desire to be loved threaten the very existence of that love.

Great lovers understand that giving love away in order to get love is not giving it away at all. The only reward great lovers seek and the only reward they really care about is the experience of loving -- to love simply for the pleasure of loving.

Conventional wisdom says, don't give your love away because you can't get it back...

So you never show/let him/her know that you love him/her, but when the other person leaves because he or she doesn't think you love them, you start crying "I love you... I love you" because you think that'll make them stay, but they leave anyways. Leaving you feeling that you never had the opportunity to truly express how much you love them.

Great lovers are not afraid to love and to show that they love because they understand that nobody can steal your love or take it away from you. Your love is yours to give away. Only you can give it away. It's probably the only one thing in this world that you can call truly call "yours." Not yours to keep or hold onto but yours to give away-- willingly and freely.

Conventional wisdom says, there is only one specific individual you can love...

And you were "lucky" to have met that one very special individual, the only person out there for you. Your whole happiness rested in the happiness of your beloved. But now that person is gone, so is your happiness -- and love. You feel that you'll never be able to love again because your one chance for love and happiness is gone -- forever.

Great lovers understand that no matter how much love you give away, you'll still have so much left. You could love every single person in the whole world and even love all the animals, birds, insects and plants with the same amount of love for each but still have plenty more love left. The more you give the more love -- and enjoyment, acknowledgement, acceptance -- comes back to you two, three or even hundredfold.

So if you are educated, brilliant, beautiful, hot, rich, nice, charismatic, flirtatious, seductive, energizer bunny, exciting, creative etc. and yet still find yourself feeling alone and lonely; unworthy and unloved; repeatedly rejected; repeatedly lied to and cheated on; avoided constantly, told what a great person you are and even liked (a lot) but not really loved, you might want to try this one more thing.

Instead of learning flirting, acting confident, and attractive techniques, learn how to be a great lover. Instead of asking "where can I get love?" start asking "How can I give more love?"

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