When it comes to love, most of us fall into two categories 1) those who don't think they deserve a lot and 2) those who are looking for the "perfect" person who does not exist. In this article, I'd like to talk about those of us who don't think we deserve a lot - and don't feel bad or get discouraged many people really don't feel they deserve a lot when it comes to love.
Women who feel that they don't deserve a lot have a tendency to quickly "fall in love" and as a result are more likely to get their hearts broken over and over. I don't need to tell you that it is because you are being so needy, clingy or pushy, etc. you probably already know that from reading self-help books and internet articles, but how do you stop yourself (I am just a hopeless romantic!) and more importantly how do you avoid men who are incapable of (BUT he is so nice to me!) the kind of relationship you really want.
The downside of being a hopeless romantic (been there..:-)) is that you always fall for guys you barely even know. Your romantic mind builds up a character that is often times so different from the real person. Your romantic mind also thinks that you know exactly how to "spoil" the person (of your own imagination) so much that he loves you eternally, but most times the more you give, the more he pulls away. And when he tells you "he is not feeling it" you get really confused "Isn't this what men want from a woman?"
This exercise will help you stop romanticizing men and identify enduring qualities a man you can have a healthy balanced relationship with must absolutely have. I have personally experienced (and seen it with so many of my clients) what the power of having a CLEAR THOUGHT/FELT VISION of the kind of person who makes you truly happy can do. Once you conceive it in your heart and confess it with your mouth, it takes a life of its own. You will find your general attitude towards the men you meet changing (see them for who they really are) and you attracting men closer and closer to your soul's desire.
While you can easily come up with the "external" parameters (tall and handsome, financially secure, sense of humour, college degree, etc), the truth is that the quality of the relationship is not so much about the romantic "qualities" of the person as it is about the quality of the way that person IS towards you. What he makes you THINK and FEEL about yourself, men, other people and life in general.
If you're hooked on looks, money, fame possessions, how they make love, and status, the ability to see relationships clearly, love or otherwise is extremely difficult. Healthy balanced and fulfilling relationships are less about the "experience" of falling in love and more about what happens in the days, weeks, months and years afterwards. His real-time actions rather than your romantic imaginations will show you whether or not he is the person you want in your intimate life.
Take time to really think about what you are doing when doing this exercise.
1. On a blank piece of paper, make a list of Ten PERSONALITY TRAITS the RIGHT person must absolutely have for you to consider him or her. If a person doesn't have these qualities he will not be right for you. These "qualities" must come from a heartfelt place of inner knowing or intuition. Look at the enduring personality traits you find very attractive in the people closest to you, those who inspire you to want to be a better person: parents, friends, co-workers etc. Think about what makes them so endearing and good to be around. If you even slightly think; "oh, it doesn't really matter", then it doesn't.
2. When a particular quality pops into your mind, do not be in a hurry to dismiss it with "I can't get that" or "that kind of person is too good for me" or "me like that don't exist". Your first thoughts are usually your instinct/soul at work, don't let your mind silence it. Write it down, you can later take it out after clarifying what those qualities mean to you and whether or not they truly represent what makes you happy. It is best to do this exercise alone in the beginning - what fulfills you may not be what fulfills the next person. You don't want their won wants to interfere with your own soul search. Stick to 10 -15 qualities to avoid jumping to fantasyland, being overly picky or not perceptive enough.
3. Look at your list and ask yourself "Would I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" Can I completely be myself around him? Can I feel completely safe and secure in his arms? Can I argue with him and voice my opinions openly and honestly and still be respected and appreciated?"
Take the time to think about all of the failed relationships and combined all that heartache into one clear idea of what really makes you feel loved, secure, fulfilled and excited. The litmus test is determining if you want to emulate this person and if you would be happy if your child turns out like him.
To clarify what these qualities really mean to you, share this information with a positive influence in your life- parent, friend, professional help etc. What does each of these qualities mean to you personally (one quality can mean something different for different people)? How would that make you truly happy? How different would that relationship be from your other relationship? How would you feel? What would the two of you be doing? Where would you go? What would your life be like? Etc.
The only catch is that you have to start emulating those PERSONALITY TRAITS yourself. The more you become that person, the closer you are to someone who is a mirror of yourself. And when you meet someone who is like you he will seem so familiar because you already are that person. YOU KNOW YOU'VE MET YOUR SOUL MATE!
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