I admit it, I am an old dog, but this article is not about me. It's a fable about a young pup and a very old dog that conveys a lesson on love worth remembering.

Every day the pup chased his tail frantically while the old dog watched with lazy amusement. The pup wanted the old dog to be his friend but the wise old dog just told him to come back when he knew who he was and what he wanted. The pup continued to spend so much time and energy chasing his own tail that sometimes he'd collapse in desperation. Sometimes he even lost his way home and feared that he might spend the rest of his life chasing this thing that he wanted so much.

Several years later the weary dog turned to the older dog for help. "I can't stand it any more! Every time I think I finally have it, I lose it and have to run faster!" he complained.

The older dog smiled. "I have watched you run in circles for a long time. I knew you were getting weaker and losing your spirit, but until you were ready to slow down and look at yourself, there was no use in saying anything!"

Then the old wise dog took the younger dog's tail gently in his teeth and said "Is this what you are looking for?"

The younger dog gasped. "How did you know that? It feels like mine!"

"It was yours all the time!" the older dog said. But the more you chased after it, the more you got lost and tired and preoccupied. Go home now and rest. Tomorrow you will begin to know what is you and what isn't. Then we can be friends."

In no society does a person -- man or woman -- emerge from his or her mother's womb fully grown up. Growth, which includes knowing who we are and what we want is one of the - perhaps the -- most important and most exciting aspect of the human experience. Only through growth can we find individual and collective maturity.

The tragic reality is that our world is full of pups frantically chasing their own tails. Some think they have it firmly in their grasp but all they have is that one strand of hair in their teeth. Some may spend the rest of their lives chasing their own tails. And others have already lost their way home.

But even more tragic is the fact that there aren't that many wise old dogs. We have many, many old dogs -- men and women with incredible gifts, talents, skills, knowledge and a strong desire to be participants in the development of others. But so often our support, encouragement and involvement in the development of others is not loving at all. It looks like love and feels like love, but it isn't love.

Our intentions may be good but because we are so (misguidedly) invested in making others "feel good about themselves" we don't realize that we're stifling the growth of the very people we think we're helping. Instead of encouraging others to find who they really are and what they truly want, we act forcefully because we cannot get them to "be us" and react angrily because they don't want what we want them to want.

 

Other times, we sacrifice our authenticity in an effort to influence how we are being perceived by others. We're so desperate to be liked so much that we tell others what we think they want to hear and say whatever people need us to say even when it goes against our good conscious.

Our preoccupation with "getting along" not only moves us away from our authentic selves, it also keeps us from speaking out and speaking in truth when we should. Because we're so afraid of using constructive criticism or instructive encouragement (lest they think independently and not need us anymore), our participation in the development of others becomes that of mere ego- stroking or flattery.

Others can never know what they are doing well and what they need to try to do better if all we do it stroke their egos or sweet talk them. We think we're being supportive, encouraging and involved in their development but all we're doing is standing in the way of their right to growth and maturity.

If there is anything we can learn from the wise old dog, it's that love is a mindset and participating in the growth of another is one of the most exciting and extremely gratifying experiences.

Wise old dogs (or people-builders) however, understand that they can only play an important facilitation role in another's growth, and sometimes that means saying, "Come back when you know who you are and what you want. Only then can we be friends."

Personally, that's what I'd expect and what I want from a true and wise friend -- instructive encouragement and constructive criticism. I may not like it sometimes, but I'll respect that friend for it.

Before you say or do anything that you think supports someone else's development, you might want to ask yourself: 1) Am I helping this person be best of who he or she is, or am I trying to make him/her into me? 2) Am I building this person up or am I standing in the way of his or her right to growth and maturity?

And before you take someone else's advice or help, ask yourself: 1) Is this person encouraging and supporting me in my efforts to be the best of who I can be, or is he or she trying to manipulate how I think and act? 2) Is this person building me up or is he or she standing in my right to growth and maturity?

It may look like love and feel like love, but if you aren't any wiser for it, it isn't love!