Should You Dump A Commitment Phobe?
[Not Before You Read This!]  

By Yangki Christine Akiteng, Love Doctor 

 

Having personally suffered from severe commitment phobia for many years, I know that being in love with someone who is afraid of commitment is not fun at all, but does someone's fear of commitment always have to be the end of a relationship?

In real life, some people are not really meant to be together, and sometimes when you've tried everything humanly possible -- and I mean really tried everything including asking for divine intervention -- and failed, it's smart to know when to walk away.

Walking away does not necessarily mean you will be able to stop loving that person because if you really love someone from your heart and soul you will never stop loving that person. Love is so much bigger than all of us because it's the very fabric by which we are made of. And when you love someone what you are basically doing is getting in touch with what you are made of. Trying to stop love is like trying to get out of your own skin -- good luck with that!

Walking away or "getting over" that person means that you stop expecting him or her to give you what he or she in unable to, is unwilling to, or just doesn't want to. And sometimes that something is commitment.

But I think a lot of people walk away too soon. This is the sad reality of the "modern" world we live in. We think that relationships come in little neat packages with instructions "Add A Little Sex And Live Happily Ever'. Many people don't realize that relationships need time and work. And with all the advice about "too many fish in the sea", walking away seems the coolest thing to do. It shows that you "don't care" and from where this kind of advice comes from, that is supposed to be a good thing. But many years later -- just like the people who gave you the advice -- you are still trying to "catch fish" in that sea. What does it say about you if you can't catch even one fish in a sea with too many fish?

Many more aren't willing to work as hard to make a relationship work as they work hard in their professions or careers. These same people start pushing premature commitment because of their own internal pressures and are quick to conclude it isn't working and walk away.

And then there are some people who try to work things out but go about it the wrong way -- nagging, begging, blaming, guilt tripping, giving ultimatums, playing break-up on and off again games etc. This very same things you do to try to get a "commitment" are the very things that make a commitment phobe even more weary of committing or run like an escaped death-row convict.

So true, being in love with someone who is afraid of commitment is hard, but commitment phobia is not a "terminal illness".

 

Men and women do get over their fear of commitment. I did. And you probably have heard or know of many men and women who were written off as commitment phobes by the people they were in a relationship with and two months later they have committed to someone else. And the person who dumped the commitment phobe is left confused, angry, jealous, bitter and feeling terribly inadequate -- like something is so wrong with her/him that someone who could never commit to them, had no problems committing to the next person.

Sometimes what a commitment phobe needs is:

-- someone who doesn't automatically assume that it's all a selfish act but understands and appreciates where the fear and anxieties are coming from (fear of losing one's independence, fear of marriage, fear of intimacy, fear of having kids, fear of financial burdens, fear of sharing a home, fear of offending family members, fear of moving to another state or country etc). Understanding and appreciation can help the two of you come to a compromise you can both live with.

-- someone who is emotionally well enough and emotionally secure enough to give some real tough-love; Many commitment phobes have been through so many relationships and know exactly how the script plays out. Having a game-changer who will not play by the script can sometimes be the "shock therapy" a commitment phobe really needs.

-- someone who is committed to really helping the commitment phobe get to that place where he or she feels "safe" enough to come out of their hiding place. Commitment phobia, like all fear, is really a wall to hide behind. And seeing that there is really nothing to fear is a great relief to a commitment phobe.

So before you walk away, make sure that you've earned your way out -- that is given it everything you got and more. That way you don't look back with regret because you dumped someone you still love and a few months later he or she commits to someone else.