Just Because Someone Says They Need Space Doesn't Always Mean The Relationship Is Over

By Yangki Christine Akiteng, Love Doctor 

 

One day you meet this really fantastic person. There is strong chemistry there and so you think this is it. You immediately put yourself out there and instantly go "overboard" doing too many things to show the object of your interest and attention that you are very much in love. And when you thought it couldn't get any better, he/she says those dreaded words, "I need some space." You lose control of your thoughts and emotionally collapse and lash out. This eventually leads to an ending that is deeply disappointing.

Many men and women miss out on relationships with great potential simply because they assume "I need some space" always means the relationship is over.

"I need some space" is especially very confusing for men and women who grew up in an environment which was unstable. They easily get bothered by sudden changes and the "not knowing" what's going to happen next overwhelms, frustrates and depresses them.

The real tragedy here is that when you overwhelm a man or woman with your desperation, neediness and anger, you force him/her to actually think about ending the relationship. Your strong drive and determination to get attention and love is likely to get you into difficult situations because you want things going faster -- your pace, your call. What you get is men and women literally running for their lives, "It's best if we had no contact", or "Just leave me alone," or "You are too much for me".

This is why it's crucial that you understand that "I need some space" doesn't always mean I am no longer attracted to you or the relationship is over. Sometimes when a person says "I need some space" all they are saying to you is that, at this time, the value of what you are offering does not justify me taking a risk or investing more than I already have. Many men and women hesitate because they fear that they might be making the wrong decision and will regret it later.

If he/she asks for his/her "own space" don't automatically assume this is a pre-breakup situation.

1. Give him/her the "space" he/she needs. This is his/her opportunity to come face to face with his/her feelings for you, don't get in his/her way. This may even be a chance for both of you to reassess what you have and work on what you might have in the future.

2. Ask him/her what possible compromises he/she is willing to make (may be meet once a week, weekends only, every other week" etc.) then give him/her the space he/she needs. If he/she refuses to compromise, then you know for certain that they're looking for ways to end the relationship. A person's body language will tell you more about their particular state of mind.

3. If he/she is willing to make some compromises don't force him or her to pay more attention to you than he/she is willing to. Repeated attempts to get back a man or woman who is "scared" for his/her life is completely useless. Only a significant space of time and a new type of approach will have any effect on someone whose guard is already up and whose sensitivity is razor-sharp.

 

4. It is important that you understand that giving him/her space does not mean you don't have anything to do with him/her. On the contrary, maintain your contact with him/her, but make the "contact moments" work to your advantage.

The most effective way to do this is employ a little playful resistance or what we commonly know as playing hard-to-get. Keep in mind that not all playing hard-to-get rules and actions are designed to make someone fall in love with you. Many of the popularly promoted playing hard-to-get "techniques" out there actually drive someone away instead of make them want you more.

The best kind of playing hard-to-get is one that creates more love than resistance. Using a little bit of playful resistance, you can create a "FRIENDLY SPACE" for fair negotiation, easily eliminate a man or woman's reservations about the relationship and concerns about making a long-term commitment and motivate him/her to take the action of risk and to want to invest more in you and the relationship.

When you understand this very engaging and bonding game, you can turn the "I need some space" into a "Let's try it again" or even "This is what I want!" Simply saying it to them is not enough, they need to SEE by your actions that you really understand what they want in a relationship.