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Choosing The “Wrong People” And
Hoping For The Best
Christine
Akiteng, Love Doctor
Experts agree that the reasons we so easily choose the
“wrong people” are varied and complex. After a lifetime with
automatic pilot set on “seeking acceptance” and working hard
to get people to love you, you may be so accustomed to
offering up who you are and your power to win acceptance and
love that you are not choosing well.
The strategy most people use is to find someone and then try
and change or ‘fix” that person. The thinking here is that
if he/she loved you enough it is only natural that he/she
would change. So you spend a lot of energy trying to change
or "fix" him/her (to get him/her to open up, be more caring,
pay attention to you, spend more time with you, have more
sex with you, love you, etc). You read books, attend
workshops and consult with experts because you believe that
if only you do it right - behave right or say the right
thing - you can get him/her to change.
The illusion that you have the “power” to get another to
change keeps you stuck in behavior that not only does not
work to get you what you want, but drains you of the energy
you could be using to create a relationship environment that
strongly encourages personal and behavioral change.
1. Accept that you can't "get" others to do what you want
them to do, even if it would be good for them and for the
relationship.
2. Stop acting and feeling like you are a victim of other
people’s behavior instead start taking action to love, take
care of and change yourself first.
3. If you still find yourself needing to make a request for
a change in his/her action, communicate it lovingly and
effectively but keep in mind that the other person may
reject your request (and it’s his/her right to do so). You
can request but you can’t demand change, it only creates
more resistance.
4. Refrain from choosing people who are "wrong" for you and
then trying to change or ‘fix” that person. If you find
yourself always in stress-ridden relationships, the real
cause is your inner attachment to conflict-ridden bonds. As
long as part of you finds “familiarity” in stress and
resistance you keep looking for others who will bring you
that “high” or “fix” that comes along with stress resulting
form resistance and/or conflict. Your attempted solutions
will always take the form of “control strategies” or "fixing
others'" which only leads to more, stress and stronger
resistance.
The interesting part of choosing the right man/woman for you
is that the people you attract and have a relationship with
reflect back to you a part of yourself. If you can identify
the problem in your internal programming, it’s much easier
to solve. And the solution will take the form of an
expansion of your awareness and/or a change in your beliefs,
attitude and behaviour.
If you are already in a relationship, you may be surprised
at the changes that occur. And if the other person decides
he/she wants change for himself/herself, offer support and
encouragement but do not resort to “fixing” him/her.
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